Lately, I have been feeling kind of down. As much as I hate to say it, I feel like I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I’m guilty for not pursuing creative passions at full steam, and I’m anxious about work that remains undone. I am easily trapped in a negative circle. I wish I had more energy to achieve all my dreams overnight and find the answers to my questions.
Today I am grateful for small but mighty gifts from life. I started the day feeling miserable. Allergic, grumpy, tired, cold – you name it! I carried it with me to coffee with a friend, a goodbye (for now) before she moves to California. I was talking about my day to day, reflecting on the success of those around me that I admire. Sometimes it feels a long way off for myself, if ever. Claire, as always, had more faith than I that we’ll all find our place in life. Plus, if you’re happy on the journey, does the finish line matter so much?
It’s often hard for me to focus on the things that make me happy day to day, although overall, I am! I often feel that I’m not meeting some goal that works for someone else’s life, not working hard enough, long enough, well enough. But after coffee, I was trying to focus on the things in life that I have chosen that make me happy, like eating homemade lunch tray pizza, working in my slippers, and making time to dream.
Later, I attended a happy hour on behalf of the Farm Alliance of Baltimore (aka FAB!) and felt the good vibes even more. In the past few months, I’ve transitioned to working from home for a non-profit supporting sustainable farmers. I deeply believe that the farming education and advocacy work I support is essential. At the same time, I can feel isolated working alone, rarely speaking to anyone let alone visiting a farm! It felt hard to attend the event – who would I talk to? Would I know anyone? What is my business, as a gardener (mediocre at best), admiring real farmers?
But the community night that followed put aside my self doubts. I’m not even important or all that critical to the success of the small Baltimore farming network, but it was lovely to see so many farmers I admire celebrating at the end of another season. There were many folks that I visited with, and I felt grateful for all of the good people that have crossed my path in the last two years. I look forward to building those friendships more, and left feeling that even if I can’t see the end of my path, I know I’m on a path to something. Tonight, that’s inspiration enough.
By the way-the lunch tray pizza? It had romesco sauce pizza with fresh mozzarella, oil cured olives, pickled red onion, and arugula. Something about it took me back to school cafeteria lunches that seemed like long affairs, chatting with young friends. I look forward to a lot more days like those.